burn

I burned the shit out of my hand this morning on a curling iron. I volunteered to chair a 7:30 am 12-step meeting. I woke up late and rather than shower, thought I would trick everyone by throwing a curl or two in my slightly greasy hair. I have this little wicker basket on the floor of my bedroom with assorted lady beautifying tools – hair straightener, hair curler, hair dryer. I reach into the basket to grab the curling iron, wrap my hand around the barrel, and, as I said before, burn the shit out of my hand.

Couple things here. 1) how long was that curling iron sitting in that wicker basket plugged in? We all could have died in a house fire! 2) thank God that my kids weren’t the ones who tried to grab it! I’m pretty sure one of them plugged it in. They are obsessed with plugging things into outlets despite my constant yelling at them not to.

So burns hurt really bad. The pain was more intense than childbirth. The only thing that provided relief was submerging my hand in cold water. I ended up in the ER and not at my meeting at 7:30 am.

My ER visit revealed to me a few things about my personality. I told everyone how stupid I was several times and I tried to make funny jokes that nobody found funny. I want everyone to love me… all the time. For some reason that compels me to be self-deprecating and fain hilarity. I come across nerdy and insecure.

As the nurse asked routine questions, I tried to respond with witty answers.

Nurse: “Do you feel safe at home?”

Me: “If you keep the curling irons away from me, am I right?

Nurse: “Do you feel like hurting yourself?”

Me: “Well, I already accomplished that today.”

Nurse: “Ma’am, these are questions we ask everyone and I’m going to need you to answer.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m an idiot.”

Doctor comes in…

Doctor: “So you burned yourself? Let me take a look.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m a moron. That’s what I get for trying to look all fancy.”

I do not, in fact, look fancy. Blank stare from the doctor.

I’m home today recuperating. I couldn’t go to work. I’ve been watching old 30 Rock episodes and I watched a great movie called Welcome to Me with Kristen Wiig.

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