What up? It’s been a while since I’ve actively blogged. Going to try to do it daily. The purpose – to get perspective – to get grateful – to use writing as a tool to be a better person.
Since I was last blogging, so much has changed. I had another baby. I was promoted to CEO of the company where I work and then realized that trying to manage and control other human beings is not my scene… like AT ALL. My husband and I hit a rough patch but have come out of it more connected. Life happened. And it’s all to the good. And most importantly of all – I’m still fucking sober. Four years, man. It’s the best part of my life – my sobriety – because it makes it possible for all the other awesomeness to happen. Sobriety gives me a fighting chance to show up in my own life.
I started this blog as a space to explore a higher power because smart people in the program told me that if I didn’t find one, I would drink again. I know nothing more today about God than I did four years ago except this: “There is a God and I’m not it.” I don’t know who said that originally but it floats around the rooms. I love it. My daughter told me God is a “bubble full of hearts.”
I used to think that I couldn’t believe in God unless I figured God out. For years in recovery, I kept trying to nail down God. Like, “This weekend I’m going to pencil in some time to really sort out this whole GOD thing.” Such a self-centered piece – as though I’m going to be the human being of the 6 billion that really just gets it spot on. Now rather than try to sort out God, I contemplate outer space and nature and physics. I cannot make sense of any of that shit. I’m not in charge of star formations and they seem to happen just the same. The rest of the world, universe, galaxy, etc. keeps on keeping on whether my ass is involved or not. In the past, that might have freaked me out. Today, I take comfort in knowing I’m just one among many. It’s not my job to control. I’m powerless over alcohol, people, places, and things.
I’m a work in progress. I’m so much happier and more serene than I’ve every been but I’m still a bit crazy. I want to quit my day job and start a podcast and move to a farm. What’s up with that? My husband thinks I’ve come unhinged. I also suggested that we sell all our stuff, become minimalists, buy an RV and drive around the country for a year before our kids start school. He said “Hell No.” A good compromise is to try to keep up this blog for a while and see if it sticks. If it doesn’t, perhaps that is a sign that we can’t uproot our family and live out one of my whims.
Dare me to write again tomorrow?