For the first time since we left our Midwestern town on Thursday at 3:00 pm, I am alone. It’s Saturday at about Noon in Florida. I’m sitting on the porch of my in-law’s condo overlooking a golf course. Men in pimped-out golf carts motor up, get out, hit tiny balls with silver sticks and move along in a seemingly endless loop. Golf carts are basically cars here. My in-laws live in a retirement community on the Gulf Coast. I told my husband I feel like I’m on a college campus for seniors. The club house is like a student commons. Social events are advertised and attended with an enthusiasm matched only by fraternity and sorority members. Last night at about 10:00 pm, two boozy couples in their late fifties waltzed in the front door of the condo: all loud voices and hands in the air and ready for another round of drinks.
The impromptu senior-style house party was the end of a long day of drinking. It’s vacation. People are relaxed. Drinking begins early and lasts well into the night. I should clarify that this drinking is not being done by me. I am the lone sober lady on this vacation. Well, I shouldn’t say that… my 7-month-old is a teetotaler too.
I have been taking lots of deep breaths and trying to stay centered. I have been asking God to keep me sober and get me out of my own way. My restlessness is compounded by the fact that there is no internet access in the condo. I have been blogging a lot this past week and find it’s a great way to reflect and refocus. I am missing this outlet and connection to a world of sober people. I am also craving the distraction of the world wide web.
At dinner last night, I found myself ordering dessert. I think I was feeling deprived and thought, “everyone else is indulging, don’t I deserve something MORE out of the evening? “ My relationship with food has some of the same qualities as my relationship with alcohol. I’m never satisfied and always wanting more. The only major difference is that my food issues mainly impact my waistline and my alcohol issues can ruin my life.
Not much time to write today. I am going to try to sneak away to the internet cafe again tomorrow.