the movie in my mind

It’s 7:30 pm and I just put Lou to bed. Our house is a mess. We are going on our first trip with the baby this Thursday and I have to pack. I didn’t finish all my work today at the office and will have to go in super early tomorrow. I ate less than stellar today and need to lose thirty pounds and the bangs I decided to cut are unruly. Our furnace broke and our car died and we have to pay the daycare center by next week and we have zero money and….

This is how I end most days: feeling behind and overwhelmed and put upon by life. There are a zillion things I could do or worry about right now. Instead, I have made the decision to “blog it out” – meaning to sort through my crazy using this medium.

When I get caught up in my drama (see first paragraph), I like to take a look at what movie is showing in my mind. We spend our lives writing the script. Themes begin to take hold. Characters are awarded starring roles in repeat performances. A soundtrack accentuates the story and denotes a mood. The scenery and lighting set a tone. The credits role but the movie never ends. We play out the same stories with the same tired scripts again and again and again.

Let’s review my day, shall we? I went to work and came home and pretty soon I will go to sleep. There is some paperwork and cleaning and connecting with other human beings mixed into the day. That’s pretty much it. My movie tells a different and much more dramatic tale.

The script is about an overworked and under appreciated mother, struggling to make ends meet. This mother and wife is responsible for EVERYTHING in her life and NOTHING ever works out. The role of martyr is brilliantly played by yours truly and the role of villain is played by my husband (with my mother, boss, coworker, friend and neighbor waiting in the wings as understudy). The soundtrack underscores the tension in the home (think murderer outside shower curtain ready to strike) and changes to a melodramatic track in my alone moments where I reflect on the all-consuming emptiness (think cheesy Lifetime movie). As the credits role, it is apparent that I have written, directed, produced and starred in the film. Others making appearances are self-pity, selfishness, insecurity, fear, anger, resentment and yuckiness.

I watch the movie and believe what I see and feel and hear. I am eating popcorn and unaware of my surroundings. I lose myself in the experience and the story turns into reality. I am working on changing this. I think I will watch a different flick tonight.

This script is about a woman moving forward and getting busy living. EVERYTHING works out in the end and NOTHING is too much to handle. My husband plays the handsome Renaissance man who encourages me to grow and cooks great dinners. My daughter is the healthy baby covered in green beans.  I am the extremely grateful character who has a home, a job, great friends, food on the table and gas in the car. I am beautiful and strong. There is a power and light on set at all times that defies human understanding. Bob Dylan is playing “Forever Young” in the background.  God is the writer, director and producer of this film. Credits also include serenity, peace, gratitude, acceptance, integrity and courage.

I have to see this movie more often.



2 thoughts on “the movie in my mind

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